Dirty Talk

I think it’s time this blog got a little exciting. It’s time to talk dirty. Literally. Now I’m about to discuss something that all parents chat to each other about daily. Yes parents, you guessed right. Let’s talk SHIT.

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WARNING: If you’re eating while reading this, my advice is to stop reading. This will get gross.

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I’ve heard other parents talk about their baby taking their diaper off in the middle of the night, only to be greeted in the morning with a crib and child covered from head to toe in poo. Monday morning this happened to me.

When I first walked into the nursery I spotted something unusual on the floor. “Is that cat poop?” I asked myself. “No, it must be a toy, I’m barely awake.” As I opened the curtains, turning my head toward Hudson, I began to see the mess upon me. “Oh no! Hudson, honey.” I exclaimed. Hudson is standing there, diaperless, covered in his own feces from his neck down. The only thing he can do is give me a big smile, point at me, and say, “Bop.” Which in baby means bottle. He couldn’t have cared less. Just another morning.

I’m lucky in a way. At least he wasn’t feasting on his freshly cooked “breakfast”, but I sure didn’t feel lucky once I assessed the damage. It was everywhere. It looked like a dinosaur stopped right above Hudson’s crib to let out its load. Leaving not an inch of sheet free of dinosaur dung. Really, I’m still amazed at how it got everywhere. He must of gone poo early in the night and then rolled in it all night long. But then how did it miss his face and hair? It’s still a mystery.

First things first. No, I didn’t grab the camera. I grabbed Hudson and put him in the bath before he decided to have a taste. After 10 minutes of sanitizing him, he was clean. Next, take off the sheets. Thank God for the liner! I decided to take the entire mattress out of the crib first so that I would avoid getting poo from the crib rails on the clean mattress. Sheets off and thrown in the tub. Blankie and toy from the crib also thrown in the tub. These things will be left to deal with later.

As I’m cleaning and cleaning, Ellisa is getting more frustrated since she wants out of her crib. She has NO idea what’s going on. Charles grabs both kids and takes them downstairs to entertain them while I scrub most of the interior and some of the exterior of the crib. I even had to clean the wall. Gross.

After breakfast I tackled cleaning the sheets. I won’t go into too much detail, let me just say that chunks of poo don’t go down bathtub drains easily. After I hand washed the sheets and toys, I threw them in the laundry for double duty. Life is now back to normal.

Why do I write this filth? One, so I won’t forget the things I had to go through during this stage in their lives. Oh, the memories. Two, so I can black mail my son when he’s older.

Lesson learned: Never put your child to bed without a full nightgown on. 

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Comments
6 Responses to “Dirty Talk”
  1. Andrea says:

    That is hilarious!

  2. pforpeanuts says:

    I am crying from laughing so hard right now. You and Jill have some great quotes. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Awesome! I knew it would happen sooner or later, and you survived it! Next time it can be Charles’ turn to clean it up.
    To comment on Jill’s comment, I have worked with toddlers for a number of years and I have had heard myself say some crazy things: “Stop licking his tongue!” is probably my favorite.
    I have seen a two year old sit on the potty and manage to pee in his own face.
    I have given a poop covered girl a bath, and that was animal poop, not her own from her diaper.
    And my favorite potty training sentence: “Here are your Cinderella panties. Cinderella doesn’t want to get poop on her, that will make her sad. So keep her clean and put your poop in the potty, ok?”
    Kids are the best.

  4. Jill Jolicoeur says:

    Kenzie this totally happened with Sadie. Dave and I were appalled, disgusted, you name it, but you deal with it and move on just like you did! You always think, MY KID won’t do that…. Oh yeah. Sadie’s newest thing is taking off ALL of her clothes at nap time. It is now a major accomplishment worthy of praise to “keep my clothes on mommy”. But we’ve taken this new trend as a sign that it’s time to really move ahead with potty training and our mama and daddy’s new favorite acronym “BGP’s”. Big girl panties! Don’t forget, you don’t want to poop in your big girl panties… The things that come out of your mouth as a parent on a daily basis would be unrecognizable to our college crazy selves back in the day.

  5. Rachel says:

    I’m dreading this day. And now I feel a real need to hear Joseph’s story.

  6. Joseph says:

    It is fine to have feces all over you when you are a baby. When it happens to you only a few weeks ago at age 33, it is just sad. You have a better reaction than my wife did, also. Congrats on your patience!

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